When? When’ll it get written ‘cept now?
When? When’ll it get planted and how?
‘Less someone like me cares a whole awful lot
Nothing is going to get done, it’s just not.
‘Cept what happens when caring’s not in the equation
When my mind is so full but so dull
What happens when I’m paralyzed with my self
And I just can’t distinguish my call?
What happens when my brain’s so full of turmoil?
(I’ve been stewing, despondent and down)
Feeling a victim all over the place
Smiles are scarce ’round this face: s’mostly frowns.
See nothing gets done – I just stop and I stare –
Then obsess more with all that’s not done
I am weak, Lord, You know it, wish I had more of a scapegoat
But my self is at fault – I’m the one
That is faulty and sinful and wretched and dumb
Full of Amy and all of her woes
I forget – least don’t act like – all Your goodness is here
That I could myself on Jesus throw
I’m sorry, I am, I’m so sorry ’bout these:
These leanings towards over and whelm
I don’t know what the cause is, the source or the problem
That threatens my place at the helm
‘Cause it’s that: it’s that feeling that I’m not in control
Of my destiny, life, or e’en hope
And it leaves me despondent (yes I know it’s redundant)
And I wonder how better to cope
I can’t figure it out (it’s only been 40 years)
So maybe the answer’s not there
Maybe the answer’s in just looking up
To the One Who assures me He’s here
See “what would Jesus do” is slightly off base
It’s “what’s Jesus doing” that’s now
It’s a matter of aligning myself with His Self
(And relaxing these lines on my brow)
I can trust Him (we can!) we can trust Him always
And forever to do what is best
I can trust that my angst, and my self, and these pains
Can be completely shored up in His rest
It’s not a naive sort of trust that I mean
Rather it’s hard and a battle for sure
But it’s all not for naught – there is good purpose here
Makes us loving, gentle, right, and pure
In order to separate the good from the dross
Some fire’s required: heat and light
The yuck must be skimmed from this soul that is His
That His presence is all that’s in sight
See there’s too much of me too much world and distraction
That it muddles one’s right view of Him
So these troubles I feel – though they seem very real –
Must be brought more to Him so to dim
So now on to remember – Lord, help me do better –
Remember Your presence always
Remember what You’ve done, are doing, begun
Fixed-on-Jesus-eyes are what must stay
Thank You, Father, for even now I realize
That You’re helping me this very minute
To remember Your goodness, faithful, gentle leading
Redeeming all that is amiss
That’s the God that You Are, the One who rights all the wrongs
Who brings healing and light to dark places
Turns all things inside out, turns all things upside down
Transforms shame into beautiful spaces
Thank You for help, and thank You for love
And thank You for helping to love
And thanks for redemption, freedom, and reminding
Me blessedly towards You to move.
Another good one, thank you, Amy. Please keep writing. Diane
LikeLike
It is amazing how these recurring despondencies creep back to life. Then we turn to the heart of Love, and feel them dissolve, and wonder, how many times will we dip our toe in the water like this, before we submit completely…? I know this sinking and this rising well. You have described it beautifully…
Peace
Michael
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes! I am grateful for your solidarity. Grateful to be “gotten.” Grateful to read in your comment the reminder to submit today, even this minute. In this is hope. I love your “sinking and rising well;” that’s a perfect description. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond; I”m better for your visit and look forward to visiting your “place.”
LikeLike
If you haven’t already, you might considering reading the poetry of Anne Bradstreet. She was an early Puritan in America, and your work, and its praise of God, reminds me very much of hers.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know if her name strikes me because I’ve read her before or I’ve heard of her, (or maybe because her name has a nice, memorable, authorly kind of ring to it) but I look forward to checking her out. Thanks for this!
LikeLike