Apology trips around my edges
Some weird vice-like necessity
As though I’m bound to it.
I look around the house
Children’s clothes and towels discarded
After evening’s shower
Crumbs on the kitchen floor.
Panic rises with
Questions of others’ assessments
And I wonder when these
– and of course why these –
Bindings gripped me first.
At this middle age
I feel as though I’m awaking out of a
Stupor
Thick with the haze
Of drug-like effects.
I would throw off these restraints
I would stop apologizing
I will live better.
I am waking up
I will be this
– whatever I am –
Not proudly,
but at all.
wordskeepmesane 
It’s funny that I should only read this today, on the same day I came across another blog with a quotation about becoming (https://notthrowingstones.wordpress.com/2015/12/29/quote-having-v-being-and-getting-v-becoming/comment-page-1/#comment-960) and on the day when I’m trying so hard to overcome a bad habit and become someone new without it.
Thanks for all of your encouragement, by the by. I know I have a number of comments from you uncommented on, and I’m trying to get there, I promise. I’m also trying not to put my head through a plate glass window right now from the nicotine withdrawal.
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No pressure on replying. Knowing that you comment only when you can/have time/are appropriately compelled means more to me than any rote “have tos” blog etiquette. (And thanks for letting me know… You’re off the hook just for being concerned about not responding! So here’s to permission to comment when and if you can?)
If it’s any consolation, when you shared just now of your plate glass window feelings, I could feel the old urges rise to the surface and am hoping beyond hope that somehow such solidarity alleviates your struggle. So for what it’s worth, I’m remembering, and aching, and struggling in all the best ways with you as you beat the thing back. Beat it back, sister. Be strong and courageous and BEAT IT BACK!
Praying again. If you want to keep letting me know, it’ll help me remember to pray…
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